THE STORY OF AN ASEXUAL LESBIAN

 She has been living in San Francisco for a long time, has no children and no family, and this is her extraordinary story.

"I consider myself an asexual lesbian. It took me nearly 47 years to come to this strange conclusion. Asexual is the international definition of a person who does not feel sexual attraction to anyone and therefore does not have sex.

However, I doubt that you will encounter this meaning of the word in dictionaries, where asexual in the realm of science is explained by "lack of sexual organs" or "the ability of the organism to reproduce independently."

Beyond the scientific definition, asexuality has a bunch of varieties. Some people who add themselves to the category only have sex when the other person takes the first step, others look to give pleasure only to their partner, ignoring their own needs. There are those who do not have sex at all! It's strange to think that someone can abhor sex. There are whole societies that abstain from sex until they fall in love and vow into marriage.

It was extremely difficult for me to find myself and accept that identity. As a child, I was very shy, but now that I think about it, I've never been attracted to boys or girls. I took this as a fait accompli and thought I was just limping my communication with people. I wasn't a happy kid, and that also helped me come to the conclusion that I was just meant to "mature" sexually at a later stage. I didn't think about sex in high school, but I was convinced that when I became a student, I would fall in love with a man and have sex as much as I wanted! I loved to fantasize about my future family, and those thoughts kept me going.

I took the bachelor's degree without problems, but I never found love. In those 4 years I had 3 boyfriends - all men, but I have not slept with any of them. I missed a lot of sex opportunities and at some point I started to feel uncomfortable just thinking. I didn't want to kiss a man, let alone sleep with him! With my last boyfriend, I tried everything in the bedroom with the sole thought of satisfying him, but I couldn't convince myself that I liked intimate contact. All I am proud is that I stood firmly behind my decision to abstain from sex and did not break.

Shortly after graduating from university, I moved to another place to pursue a master's degree. It was during this time that I was in a serious relationship with a man. Of course, the topic of sex has been touched upon many times. He wanted sex and I didn't. We looked at a bunch of alternatives to sexual intercourse, but the thrill was missing. Then I began to see a therapist with whose help I hoped to cure the severe depression that tormented me. One day the psychologist asked me, "Have you ever thought that you might be a lesbian?" "That would be too easy a solution to the problem," was my first reaction. At first, I refused to believe it because I was homophobic — I didn't accept people with a reverse sexual orientation as normal.

Although I graduated successfully and moved to California to follow my dreams, depression and lack of sex drive did not go away. My undeveloped social life was a problem for me, and although I went to parties with some men, I found no desire to sleep with anyone. At one point I gave up because it was too tiring to play the role of a normal woman.

I continued with therapy in California and at some point I realized that I liked female therapy groups many times more than men's. For the first time, I felt the thrill of physical contact with another person. Over time, I also realized that I found certain women attractive, and that was new to me.

One fateful day, I saw a random ad in the newspaper looking for women to form a lesbian rap group. One day I just went and surprisingly I was fascinated. I felt at home among these women, and by the end of our first date I was convinced that I was a lesbian just like them. It's just that for the last 30 years I've been chasing the wrong sex, but from then on I started enjoying the lonely life as a lesbian. When I was 43, however, I finally fell in love – with a woman, of course. I lost my virginity with her. Yes, that's right – I had sex for the first time in my life! I wanted to finally learn to enjoy sex, but it didn't work. However, she was fed up with me, and after numerous sessions with therapists, our relationship fell apart. That was new to me.

The conclusion I came to was that I was both lesbian and asexual. I've also come to terms with not being able to change who I am, no matter how much I want to. My new tactic is to tell men I'm a lesbian and women I'm asexual. This way I can avoid awkward situations with both sexes. I'm just afraid I'll grow old alone. I know that I will always have friends in a homosexual society who support me, but sometimes that is not enough for a lonely person. I will always give all my support to all asexual people in the world in the hope that I will receive the same in return! In the end, there is nothing more important than being yourself.