If you want it every day, but your partner wants it once a month: how to find compromises in the bedroom?

Some people are still convinced that the main thing is that the person is good, and how things work out with him in the intimate sphere is not so important. But sexual compatibility is, in fact, a very serious topic. Harmony in sex is important for any couple - both for those who are just starting their journey together and for those who have been together for a long time. It’s just that in marriage it can be more difficult to solve this problem - after all, you are connected by much more than sex. The sexual temperaments of the partners, or, as sexologists would say, the sexual constitution, play an important role in compatibility. This temperament is a combination of many factors that influence a couple's level of sexual activity. Each person is unique, as is their temperament. Depending on the degree and intensity of manifestation, sexual temperament is of three types - low, medium and high. And please note that we are not talking about assessments of “good” or “bad” here, but only about qualitative differences between people with different levels of needs.

Sex is not of serious importance for such people - there are more interesting things in life. People with low temperament prefer not to change sexual partners, easily tolerate the absence of sex in their lives, can have it less than once a month and do not experience discomfort.

Most people belong to this group. People with average temperament are quite happy with a schedule of once or twice a week. In their youth, they are characterized by a craving for change and a search for sexual variety, but over the years this passes. It is believed that this group is easy to adapt to the needs of the partner.

A passionate desire for sex, a craving for experimentation, constant search and frequent change of partners - these are its main characteristics. Representatives of this group mature early, sex is important to them, and they retain an interest in the opposite sex and the search for variety for a long time.

If we imagine the distribution of temperaments in the form of a line, then at the edges there will be zones of low and high temperament, and the largest, central part of the line will be occupied by the zone of average sexual temperament. Approximately 80% of people fall into the middle group, and only 20% are from the two extremes. In practice, this means that most people can easily overcome the difficulties in the sexual sphere that arose due to differences in temperament, adapt to their partner and move from one extreme to the other.

The ideal compatibility option is partners with the same temperament. Neighboring types combine well: strong with medium or medium with moderate. The situation is more complicated in those couples where the partners are at different poles.

Physiological factor. The level of the sex hormone is directly related to the level of sexuality: the more testosterone, the greater the need for sex.

Features of the nervous system. Temperament depends on a person's susceptibility and the speed of his reaction to various stimuli. Energetic sanguine people and leisurely phlegmatic people will differ in sexual behavior.

Social factor. An adult’s attitude toward sex depends on the signals that he “read” from his parents in childhood—for example, the degree to which parents are free to express their sexual potential is important. If a child has been given a positive attitude (sex is a normal part of life, it is not shameful or bad), then, as an adult, even with a moderate temperament, he will try to realize his sexuality. With a negative attitude, even a naturally hypersexual person can suffer due to the inability to fulfill their desires.

Psychological factor. This is all that is acquired in personal sexual experience and remains with a person: victories, defeats, unresolved psychological problems.

Let's say right away that it is almost impossible to influence innate factors - physiology and temperament. However, couples even with very different needs for sex can achieve a harmonious intimate life - if both are ready to meet each other halfway, and other qualities suit you, there is a lot of warmth and intimacy in life. It’s worth remembering: discrepancies in sexual demands are features, not behavior “out of spite.” And this is something that should be discussed delicately, but not to put pressure, not to demand, or, especially, not to threaten with betrayal.

Attitudes and psychological problems can be dealt with. Uncertainty about one’s attractiveness can become a problem for a wife, but in reality, not only young and beautiful people have sex (and in general, this does not happen at all like in the movies). The husband may think that he has to “match up,” while what is more important to the wife is, for example, just daily hugs and more tenderness. With the help of a psychologist, you can find out exactly what psychological problems are interfering, change your behavior and begin to get more pleasure from the sexual sphere.

Of course, everyone wants their life together, and especially the intimate part of it, to be as more stable, without fluctuations. But moments of passion give way to calm and vice versa. There are many reasons for this “schedule”: mood swings, work pressure, illness, stress, the rhythm of life and simply fatigue. The ability to negotiate comes to the fore - discuss problems, give in and look for an option that will be acceptable to both partners.

Often partners endure discomfort only because they have no idea how this topic can be discussed at all.

Remember that talking about intimate issues is not a negotiation or a lecture; mutual understanding and comfort are important here. Imagine that you and your partner are on the same team and team up with each other to solve a problem: it’s not the problem that stands between you, but you together oppose it.

Choose a place and time to talk so that nothing distracts you from each other. This could be vacation time, a trip to the country, or just a walk in the park. The main thing is that nothing distracts you and the environment is calm.

Always start with compliments. Pay attention to your partner's strengths, to what in his actions gives you pleasure. Let him hear that he is capable of giving you pleasure - this will stimulate you to take more active actions.

Shift your focus to your partner. Take an interest in his preferences, ask what brings him real pleasure. “What do you like best? I would like to do something special for you."

Try to speak directly and as accurately as possible about the problem area, but without accusations. Build phrases so that your partner doesn’t have to figure out the meaning - instead of: “We don’t have enough sex,” it’s better to say: “I’d like to have sex every weekend.” It is better to choose soft formulations in the style of taking into account mutual interests: “I feel very good with you, but together we could try to make it even better for both of us.”

During intimacy, ask what exactly your partner wants right now. Try to do this. After a while or another time, ask your partner to please you.

Be honest. In a controversial issue, you can offer a compromise: “Let's try something new. Once a week I put on those stockings that you like, and in return you could do longer foreplay.”

Bring things to the end: consolidate all agreements reached in practice. Make time for sex - just like you plan your business and leisure.

It is important to start any conversation about problems in the intimate sphere with praise and a statement of all the good things that exist in your relationship now, and only after that move on to options for improvement. Be interested in your partner’s opinion - and do not hesitate to put forward specific proposals for duration, pace and forms of intimacy. Never blame each other, this does not promote frank dialogue. What you would like to change, suggest in conversation in the form of your desires and fantasies. Well, to solve serious problems in the intimate sphere, you can always turn to specialists for help.

It can be difficult to talk about this topic without embarrassment; the topic of sex is very taboo. During a conversation, you may become agitated, confused, or completely forget to say what you wanted. But when you tell your partner what you really need, he at least has the opportunity to find out about it at all. Otherwise, how will he figure it out? And how will you understand what he needs?

There are solutions for any situation, but for this, of course, you first need to talk. Not discussing your sexual needs, considering it unnecessary, or living by the principle “if you endure it, you will fall in love” - this is not a story about a strong relationship. Sexual dissatisfaction gradually accumulates and develops into a big pile of claims and resentments, and the result is this: conflicts and misunderstandings begin in the couple, and coldness appears in the relationship. If you are shy, try to do it allegorically: draw your partner’s attention to a scene in the film that you would like to repeat, describe how it excited you.